Self-Hatred.
If there was one thing that I struggle with on a daily basis, it would be this:
I. Hate. Myself.
I always have and feel like I always will.
I just hate failing, hate being an inconvenience, hate feeling helpless and hopeless, hate that I’m not perfect, hate that I’m single, but also hate that I am also terrified to be in a relationship with anyone. I hate that I struggle with sexual desires, but hate that I’m also some-what innocent still. I hate that I’m a woman, hate that I am horrible with money, hate that I don’t know everything, hate that I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit when He talks to me, and hate that I don’t spend time with God on a daily basis (don’t have devotionals). I hate that I’m shy, but then hate myself when I step out and make a fool of myself… etc, etc, etc. I hate this, I hate that. The list goes on. I just HATE so many things! And then I get mad at myself for hating everything (because I know hatred does not fix anything and can be more harmful for me than good). It’s a never ending cycle that goes on and on and on. It’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting!
I’m tired of it.
Where does the healing begin and when will it be complete?
When will I finally be able to mess up and not punish myself over and over again?
When can I get to a point where I finally am not ashamed of who I am and all my faults?
Of course, as I write this I begin to realize I’m sounding a bit self-absorbed. Here am I with most likely “minor faults” compared to ones you may be struggling with or even punishing yourself over. But even as we have different stories and struggles, self-hatred can still exist whether it’s a small event or a giant one that threatens our very lives… and shame can be just as damaging no matter what.
I think shame is one of the biggest weapons Satan has against us. If he can rattle our core, make us question who we truly are, and hate ourselves, he has won.
Even as I write this, my mind wanders to those of you who have been abused in life like I have, but way worse (such as those who have been sex trafficked, some even by their own family). I think about those of us who have been told and shown time and again we are not worth it; that we are horrible human beings. We have nothing to offer the world. We are shameful. We are marked, scarred, and ugly. We can never overcome. We’re tramps, scum, easy, flirts, teasers, too skinny, too fat, need to eat, need to starve ourselves, etc. We’re reminded that we are incapable of being smart, that we’ll never be able to think for ourself or that our words won’t be heard. We are told and shown we are an inconvenience; that people would be better off without us.
Whatever it may be, it’s ingrained in our brains. It’s come to the point that no ounce of truth will be able to override it completely. We’re stuck with this never ending cycle to destroying ourselves.
At least, it is for me. I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t get those tiny words to be silenced, and I hate myself for it.
I also feel like King David time and again. You know, the story of him and Bathsheba. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway. I feel like every time I mess up, it’s that kind of situation. I KNOW I should do something or should not, but I do the opposite anyway… and then I suffer the consequences. I wonder if David beat himself up like I do when I mess up? When I was younger I would physically hurt myself whenever I messed up (i.e. cutting or hitting my head on the wall, slapping or punching myself). I also didn’t eat (still am like that). I figured if punishment was coming anyway, I might as well beat them to it, right? Same with self-hatred. I was going to get yelled at continually for what I had done, so I might as well tear myself apart before anyone else does. Right?
The only problem with that is I end up doing SO much damage to myself. It’s hard to make the self-hatred stop. It’s hard to not destroy my very essence with words that shred me to pieces. I hate myself and have to be reminded for days on end.
I just wish this cycle would stop. I wish I could mess up and not punish myself for it. I wish I could be perfect. If I was perfect, than I wouldn’t have anything to hate, right?
There is one thing about God that I struggle with on a daily basis as well: GRACE.
Ha.
Grace. I HATE grace. You wanna know why? Because I can’t earn it. It’s nothing I can strive for and obtain. It’s given. Freely.
Romans 11:6 says, “And since it is through God’s kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God’s grace would not be what it really is- free and undeserved.”
God is NOT at ALL like those in our lives. We don’t have to be perfect for Him to love us. We don’t have to put on a facade. He won’t ever tear us down though we may suffer consequences of our actions (like I’m going through right now). He won’t destroy who we’re created to be. He won’t tell us we’re not good enough, that we’re incapable, weak, senseless, dumb, ugly, hated, worthless, despised, unable to speak our mind, shameful, embarrassing, etc. He won’t tell us that because He BELIEVES and KNOWS the opposite.
- We ARE loved.
- We ARE good enough.
- We ARE forgiven.
- We ARE pure.
- We ARE qualified.
- We ARE able to succeed in life.
- We ARE beautiful.
- We ARE sensible.
- We DO have words to say and that need to be heard. Speak up!
- We ARE NOT an embarrassment. In fact, God is proud of us! He is proud to call you one of His own!
- We ARE just right the way God made us.
- We ARE strong.
- We ARE able to make a difference.
- We ARE an influence.
- We ARE someone who can be a role model
- etc.
So next time you’re like me and begin to hate yourself… or you’re already in that cycle of self-hatred and can’t get out… I want to encourage you to take those thoughts captive. It’s HARD to do and it takes time to figure out exactly how to do that. But take hold of those thoughts, tell them they’re not true, and begin to speak God’s truths over your life. One of my favorite verses (Romans 5:20b) says, “But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.”
That free and undeserved grace I was talking about earlier? ALWAYS covers any damages in our past… and the ones that will happen in the future. Whatever scars we have, inside and out, let’s let Christ’s grace come upon us and heal us of those pains, hurts, devastations, deferred dreams and hopes, sins, feelings of shame, etc. He is the ONLY one that can do that. I know it’s hard to accept (trust me, it’s a daily battle), but it’s free and for us if we just reach out and grasp it.
Let’s end this cycle of self-hatred. Let’s end Satan’s hold on our lives with the truth of who we are. Yes, we mess up and yes people (and we ourselves) have damaged us beyond repair (or so it seems), but God’s grace covers anything and He is the ultimate Healer.
Take call of your pain, shame, and life and place it in God’s hands. We can trust Him. Everything else in life will make things worse. Jesus is the only one that makes us better,(Dylan Jones).
May Christ be your Savior and Healer,
~Woman of Purity
P.s. Let me know your thoughts. If any of you guys struggle with anything I talked about in this blog post, I’d love to hear your story. One of the best healing things is realizing we’re not in life alone and we have someone we can reach out to. If there is any way I can help or pray for you or encourage you, I’d love to be able to do so. I know I may not seem qualified to do so since I’m in a constant battle daily (some days are easier than others), but if there’s anyway I can help, I’d love to try.
Woman of Purity 
Reblogged this on † SicSociety †.
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I’ve been struggling hard with a whole host of these issues..
It’s something that has been plaguing me for years.. but probably more prominently over the last year and a quarter. I got into my first relationship (at 23) I shouldn’t have done.. And in that time I lost myself, stepped away from church, all my serving areas, stopped myself being surrounded by like-minded people and just fell. I’m still struggling today with decisions that I made. The last 3-4 weeks have been particularly hard.
The self-talk has been so loud and I’ve felt like I was free-falling. Literally. My body constantly felt like I was falling. Every so often I’d hit a wave where I completely felt like I was drowning, but then I would get that sense again that I was falling and it would continue like this. I’d end up crying myself to sleep figuring out what was going on with me.. Knowing full well what I’d brought upon myself (if you like) but being too ashamed and embarrassed of my past actions to go back to God and speak to Him.
It’s crazy.
I found this post through SicSociety and I’m glad I did. As much as I am sorry that you were going through what you were going through, it makes me feel a little bit better that I am not going through this alone (I hope that that doesn’t sound insensitive). Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to give, my past is littered with so much bad and I can’t seem to bring myself forward from it. I don’t hate myself a lot of the time, but when I do, it is hard and it is deep. I think of all my past mistakes, failures and things that I *still* do that I probably shouldn’t. I don’t think that I am entitled to grace – as crazy as that sounds.
I know it’s the plan of the enemy to make me feel ashamed and not be able to go to God, so I end up hating myself and the situation because I feel that I am trapped when I know God is waiting for me – non-judgmental and with open arms.
I’m sorry if this post doesn’t make sense and I am sorry that you go through this.
Please keep writing, you are not alone..
Apple x
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First of all, I am SO sorry I am just responding to this. These past few months have been a somewhat emotional rollercoaster as I have been reaching out for healing. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel!! Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate it.
You know, I started reading Christa Black (Gifford)’s book “God Loves Ugly” a month or so ago and it’s been changing my life in so many incredible ways! It’s a hard book to go through because each chapter has an exercise that helps work through our self talk and identifying head on our struggles, what we hate about ourselves, the lies we’ve been told in life, the mistakes we constantly make… and correcting them with truth and love. It’s SO rewarding! There’s a grace I have encountered because of that book. I’m finally at a place where I am almost able to forgive myself… and others. I am ALMOST able to be okay or even love who I am. It’s going to be a journey, but I am determined to find it!
I would highly encourage you to get this book if you can! Let me know if you can’t and I will do my best to get you a copy (there’s a study guide with it that I’m waiting for in the mail).
Sheila Walsh also has a book that I am determined to re-read called “The Storm Inside.” That one is really healing too!
I wish you all the best. I am praying for you as well. I hope you are able to encounter Love like I have the last month and that He (God) will begin to heal your heart the way He is healing mine. God bless you, dear one. You are amazing!
And thank you for reaching out! I am glad I am not the only one struggling. It’s a huge relief. But let’s want change and healing so desperately, it truly happens! I am determined 2015 is my year of healing. I will be able to step out confidently in the calling God has for me because I know who I am in Christ!
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Hi,
I couldn’t help noticing that you struggled with self harm. Does that mean you were suffering depression as well? I just wanted to reach out to you and say I’ve been struggling with the exact same things. I’ve been single for the past three years due to my illness but I still feel lonely and unlovable at times because of it. But you are definitely not alone in this. Thank you for your inspiring post. It made my day. Hugs and peace to you!
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HI! I am so sorry I am just now responding. The last few months have been… interesting. I wasn’t quite in a place to ever fully respond in a way I wanted (and honestly forgot a few times when I was free). BUT… I didn’t want to leave your comment without an answer. You deserve one. 🙂 So here goes!
I did as a kid struggle with some depression. For me I am thankful I never struggled with chronic depression, it was more of something that happened for a few days, would leave for a couple, and then come back again. I actually have had some since I was a kid, but it never lasted more than a couple days. My younger sister on the other hand has had depression for a few years. It’s been hard watching her struggle each and every day; watching her struggle to have energy to get out of bed, eat, work, etc. I can only imagine what that must feel like.
BUT… just because it’s something that’s a struggle, doesn’t mean you’re unloveable. My sister found someone who’s incredibly patient with her, kind, and understanding. I believe you will find someone who is the same way! 🙂 Of course, God is the the best at all of that. He is true Love who knows EXACTLY how we feel. That actually reminds me of a verse I came across the other day that said, “In all their suffering He also suffered, and He personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years.” Isaiah 63:9
I honestly don’t know how I made it through my childhood, except by God’s grace. He is the best one to go to when we are discouraged, hate who we are, or are struggling with depression.
I actually would like to encourage you to read Christa Black’s book “God Loves Ugly” too as well as Sheila Walsh’s “The Storm Inside.” They have been incredibly encouraging and helping me with my self-hatred.
I wish you the very best! You will be in my prayers. God bless you!! ❤
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thanks for helping me place things in perspective. I struggle daily with all the things you have highlighted and I think its because I want so much for myself. I clearly make the wrong decisions about my life and expect the outcome to be positive and when it doesn’t I hate myself more. I am hoping I can get beyond all of this and live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I have a six year old daughter and I am scared that I am going to mold her into what I am….what I clearly don’t want her to be… Please pray for me as at this stage I am unsure what my outcome is going to be.. My life is passing me by. the strangest thing though is that when I was younger I loved me, loved my personality, loved my laugh , full of life. But as soon as the bad experiences came it continued to steal my joy until I have nothing left. where do I turn …what do I do ….I don’t know the answers..
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Ahh… I feel your pain!! Oh everything you said connected with me. I also have a fear that as a parent I would accidentally teach my kids to hate themselves (I’m not a parent yet, but would love to be one in the future… just to clarify, haha). My siblings and I are realizing that now about our dad. We used to blame all of our heartache and pain on our first stepmom since she was verbally abusive, but we also learned how much self hatred my dad had and how much he had also impacted us.
BUT… you are not a mistake. Everything that has happened in your life is redeemable. You are called. You are chosen. You are equipped. You have everything you need to be an amazing mom! Just the fact you care for your daughter is proof!
I actually would love to encourage you with what I did. I began reading the book “God Loves Ugly” by Christa Black (Gifford) and it’s really changed my perspective and how I live my life and how I treat myself. I am still far from being completely healed, but it’s a process that is worth going through. In each chapter Christa gives different exercises that help us redefine what we believe about ourselves with the truth of who we are. She has us dig up dirt, write it out, let it become real and not something hidden, and then helps us correct things that are incorrect. She does a great job showing us true healing in Christ and encountering True Love that doesn’t just lavish love on us, but heals our wounded hearts. I don’t think I can recommend it enough. I would really encourage you to get it if you can. If not, let me know and I will do my best to get you a copy!
You are definitely in my prayers.
Start speaking words of truth over your life instead of any lies (i.e. “you’re such an idiot.” for… “Whoops. My bad.”). Your daughter will see the difference and learn from you.
I’m actually going to try and write another post of things I have learned the past few months. I don’t have much time today, but hopefully I can do it in the next hour haha. If not, it’ll be coming soon!
I wish you the very best! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you besides prayer. God bless you MUCHO. ❤
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