If there was one thing that I struggle with on a daily basis, it would be this:
I. Hate. Myself.
I always have and feel like I always will.
I just hate failing, hate being an inconvenience, hate feeling helpless and hopeless, hate that I’m not perfect, hate that I’m single, but also hate that I am also terrified to be in a relationship with anyone. I hate that I struggle with sexual desires, but hate that I’m also some-what innocent still. I hate that I’m a woman, hate that I am horrible with money, hate that I don’t know everything, hate that I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit when He talks to me, and hate that I don’t spend time with God on a daily basis (don’t have devotionals). I hate that I’m shy, but then hate myself when I step out and make a fool of myself… etc, etc, etc. I hate this, I hate that. The list goes on. I just HATE so many things! And then I get mad at myself for hating everything (because I know hatred does not fix anything and can be more harmful for me than good). It’s a never ending cycle that goes on and on and on. It’s mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting!
I’m tired of it.
Where does the healing begin and when will it be complete?
When will I finally be able to mess up and not punish myself over and over again?
When can I get to a point where I finally am not ashamed of who I am and all my faults?
Of course, as I write this I begin to realize I’m sounding a bit self-absorbed. Here am I with most likely “minor faults” compared to ones you may be struggling with or even punishing yourself over. But even as we have different stories and struggles, self-hatred can still exist whether it’s a small event or a giant one that threatens our very lives… and shame can be just as damaging no matter what.
I think shame is one of the biggest weapons Satan has against us. If he can rattle our core, make us question who we truly are, and hate ourselves, he has won.
Even as I write this, my mind wanders to those of you who have been abused in life like I have, but way worse (such as those who have been sex trafficked, some even by their own family). I think about those of us who have been told and shown time and again we are not worth it; that we are horrible human beings. We have nothing to offer the world. We are shameful. We are marked, scarred, and ugly. We can never overcome. We’re tramps, scum, easy, flirts, teasers, too skinny, too fat, need to eat, need to starve ourselves, etc. We’re reminded that we are incapable of being smart, that we’ll never be able to think for ourself or that our words won’t be heard. We are told and shown we are an inconvenience; that people would be better off without us.
Whatever it may be, it’s ingrained in our brains. It’s come to the point that no ounce of truth will be able to override it completely. We’re stuck with this never ending cycle to destroying ourselves.
At least, it is for me. I can’t seem to shake it. I can’t get those tiny words to be silenced, and I hate myself for it.
I also feel like King David time and again. You know, the story of him and Bathsheba. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway. I feel like every time I mess up, it’s that kind of situation. I KNOW I should do something or should not, but I do the opposite anyway… and then I suffer the consequences. I wonder if David beat himself up like I do when I mess up? When I was younger I would physically hurt myself whenever I messed up (i.e. cutting or hitting my head on the wall, slapping or punching myself). I also didn’t eat (still am like that). I figured if punishment was coming anyway, I might as well beat them to it, right? Same with self-hatred. I was going to get yelled at continually for what I had done, so I might as well tear myself apart before anyone else does. Right?
The only problem with that is I end up doing SO much damage to myself. It’s hard to make the self-hatred stop. It’s hard to not destroy my very essence with words that shred me to pieces. I hate myself and have to be reminded for days on end.
I just wish this cycle would stop. I wish I could mess up and not punish myself for it. I wish I could be perfect. If I was perfect, than I wouldn’t have anything to hate, right?
There is one thing about God that I struggle with on a daily basis as well: GRACE.
Grace. I HATE grace. You wanna know why? Because I can’t earn it. It’s nothing I can strive for and obtain. It’s given. Freely.
Romans 11:6 says, “And since it is through God’s kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God’s grace would not be what it really is- free and undeserved.”
God is NOT at ALL like those in our lives. We don’t have to be perfect for Him to love us. We don’t have to put on a facade. He won’t ever tear us down though we may suffer consequences of our actions (like I’m going through right now). He won’t destroy who we’re created to be. He won’t tell us we’re not good enough, that we’re incapable, weak, senseless, dumb, ugly, hated, worthless, despised, unable to speak our mind, shameful, embarrassing, etc. He won’t tell us that because He BELIEVES and KNOWS the opposite.
- We ARE loved.
- We ARE good enough.
- We ARE forgiven.
- We ARE pure.
- We ARE qualified.
- We ARE able to succeed in life.
- We ARE beautiful.
- We ARE sensible.
- We DO have words to say and that need to be heard. Speak up!
- We ARE NOT an embarrassment. In fact, God is proud of us! He is proud to call you one of His own!
- We ARE just right the way God made us.
- We ARE strong.
- We ARE able to make a difference.
- We ARE an influence.
- We ARE someone who can be a role model
So next time you’re like me and begin to hate yourself… or you’re already in that cycle of self-hatred and can’t get out… I want to encourage you to take those thoughts captive. It’s HARD to do and it takes time to figure out exactly how to do that. But take hold of those thoughts, tell them they’re not true, and begin to speak God’s truths over your life. One of my favorite verses (Romans 5:20b) says, “But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.”
That free and undeserved grace I was talking about earlier? ALWAYS covers any damages in our past… and the ones that will happen in the future. Whatever scars we have, inside and out, let’s let Christ’s grace come upon us and heal us of those pains, hurts, devastations, deferred dreams and hopes, sins, feelings of shame, etc. He is the ONLY one that can do that. I know it’s hard to accept (trust me, it’s a daily battle), but it’s free and for us if we just reach out and grasp it.
Let’s end this cycle of self-hatred. Let’s end Satan’s hold on our lives with the truth of who we are. Yes, we mess up and yes people (and we ourselves) have damaged us beyond repair (or so it seems), but God’s grace covers anything and He is the ultimate Healer.
Take call of your pain, shame, and life and place it in God’s hands. We can trust Him. Everything else in life will make things worse. Jesus is the only one that makes us better,(Dylan Jones).
May Christ be your Savior and Healer,
~Woman of Purity
P.s. Let me know your thoughts. If any of you guys struggle with anything I talked about in this blog post, I’d love to hear your story. One of the best healing things is realizing we’re not in life alone and we have someone we can reach out to. If there is any way I can help or pray for you or encourage you, I’d love to be able to do so. I know I may not seem qualified to do so since I’m in a constant battle daily (some days are easier than others), but if there’s anyway I can help, I’d love to try.