Struggling With Self-Hatred Pt. 2


Where do I even start?

The last post I have written on this blog I ended up pouring out my heart with all the pain and heartache I had stored up over the years of abuse from parents in my life as well as from myself. I had been at the end of my rope. I was ragged and raw. I felt like someone who had scrubbed, scrubbed, and scrubbed themselves trying to get clean, except on the inside. My heart hurt SO much!!

Two months have passed. Two point five, actually, I believe.
Two and a half months of me desperately seeking healing from anything I could get my hands on. Except Scripture was daunting. Asking a counselor was terrifying because I was hurt from so much rejection. I didn’t want to waste their time… and what if they weren’t even available? Another example of how I am not someone that’s worth it.

But I am SO thankful I was so desperate for healing. I know enough from life now that I knew drugs and alcohol would not help me at all. Only Jesus could heal me. I didn’t settle for just barely getting by. I didn’t settle for the feelings of self-hatred to fade away. I wanted to be whole. Still do. I don’t ever want to go in such a horrible and devastating downward spiral again. I. Will. Be. Different.

So… I grabbed my God Loves Ugly book by Christa Black Gifford. I had read it a couple summers ago and it was healing then, so I knew it would be what I needed now… except I didn’t realize just how perfect it would be! Each chapter has an exercise at the end. I learned how to write down what I believed about myself, the unconscious thoughts I had. I learned to painstakingly write down the truth about myself. I learned to start speaking that over my life. I learned how to write down what others had told me, what I told others about me, and what I believed about God. I learned to write out my fears. I learned what my means of escape are and the roots behind these behaviors. I learned how to get to the core of my heart ache and begin digging up the roots.

I am still in this process… it might take a while, but I am determined to do it!

2015 is GOING TO BE a year of healing. Nothing and no one can take that away from me.

I get up in the morning early (ugh). I am actually making myself eat breakfast for the first time in years. I have my Jesus Calling book and my Bible. It’s hard now, but I will get it. I start my day out with truth. With my eyes focused on Christ.

I am equipping myself with the right armor of God.

We used to play this game as kids on our computer called Spiritual Warfare (anyone else ever play this game??). The object of the game is to collect all 12 hearts, 5 different fruits of the spirit, and to collect all the armor of God before going before Satan to defeat him. The first armor you collect is the belt of truth. I think the second was the breastplate of righteousness. After that it’s the helmet of salvation and the boots of (I actually don’t fully understand what these are for… readiness of sharing God’s Word?)… and then it’s the sword of the spirit (SO epic) and then the shield of faith (to withstand the fiery darts of the devil). Because of this book and my Bible I am learning how to prepare myself every day with these pieces of armor.

But first… let’s start with the belt of truth.
I want to encourage you to write down what Christa encouraged all us readers to do. Write down what you believe to be the truth about yourself. All the ugly details. Everything.

And then… write the actual truth.
And write it in your Bible!

Need some ideas?
Here is what is in my Bible:

In Christ I am: 

Prized possession (James 1:8)
Beautiful (inside and out)
Worth It
Powerful (1 Cor. 1:27-29; Acts 1:8)
Just Right
Not a disappointment
Fought For
Delighted In (Is 62:4)
Not Stupid
One with words that need to be heard
Known (Ps 139:1)
Taken Care Of
Empowerer/ Empowered
Gifted (1 Cor. 1:4)

Alright. So there you have it.
“When you refuse to forgive yourself for being the way you are, doing the things you do, or never doing or being enough, you make it impossible to change. Loving and forgiving yourself where you are, at this very moment, is the starting point for moving forward and changing everything.” – Christa Black, God Loves Ugly (p. 149)

I hope you all have a blessed day.
Remember… you are incredible.
In SO many ways.
Believe it. Accept it. Live it.

God bless you!
~ Woman of Purity


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