Alright, so this is going to be a serious topic to tackle. I hope I can do it justice.
Tonight at my church we had a prayer and worship night. It was incredible. I went there expecting and I left with full hands and heart. If you’ve read my recent posts, you’ve seen the struggle I’ve kind of been going through (though I may not have been transparent as I think I have). Struggles with self-hatred, struggles with pornography, struggles with fantasizing, struggles with a borderline eating disorder, struggles with shame, guilt, and defeat. And the list goes on…
It’s been an overwhelming nightmare these last few months (and years) especially that I have been fighting hard to get rid of… to change, actually. I’ve been learning we can’t fully stop a cycle until we can replace the bad habits with good ones. I’ve been working on setting up new boundaries and standards for my life so I can set myself up for success and healing instead of a continual downward spiral of just wretchedness.
But the shame has lingered on as I have been slowly healing.
Just a few hours before the worship event at my church, I put a cd in my cd player (who does that now??! Oh I do, since my computer is dead) and began to listen to some prophetic words some pastors in my church spoke over my life a few years back. Memories began flooding in as I listened to one of the pastors mention that the message God has given me to share with others is the word purity. He spoke about the life of purity I had been living (not) and later another pastor spoke about how God is so pleased with me and the life of purity I had been living (conviction).
I remember thinking in my head, “If they only knew.”
And I STILL felt that as I listened to these words, three and a half years later. Fast forward to the worship night and as I’m standing there, trying to place all my energy into worship (okay, I can’t be the only one that gets distracted, especially when the guy you’re really interested sits nearby), I all of a sudden got an image of the cross in front of me.
I stood there, head tilted up, as this cross was pretty high up, looking at this man, His body torn to shreds. I saw His feet right above my head, thick hot blood slowly running down the wood. His breathing is heavy. I look up with tears in my eyes as we sang in the background,
“When You walk into the room, everything changes. Darkness starts to temble at the light that You bring. And when You walk into the room, every heart starts burning and nothing matters more than to just sit here at Your feet and worship you…”
My heart became overwhelmed and my throat tightened up as I thought back on my life and these words that were spoken over me. How could this Man in front of me ever be proud of me and the life I have been living? I have royally screwed up, yes technically still physically a virgin, but anything but pure.
My mistakes may seem like nothing compared to yours. Comparison is not what I’m going for, but I know the world is about that, so it’s going to be hard not to. But the root of our mistakes and the shame and embarrassment are very similar. You probably have thought, “How can I ever marry someone of quality?” “How can they ever like me? They are too good for me.””How can God ever use me?” “How can God ever be proud of me?” “What can I even offer the world or church? They wouldnt listen to me.”… and so on and so forth. You get the picture. I am sure you even have your own questions to add to this list.
But there is a secret God whispered to me as I looked upon His Son; His one and only Son that He sent so we could have a relationship with Him. He told me that He is a restorer of the broken. He is the redeemer. He is the One that sets the captives free. He is the one that makes all things new.
It doesn’t matter whatever mistake we’ve ever made. God is the One we can take our past and make us brand new and whole again. He can give us that purity back. He can help us begin to make wise decisions. He is the one that can restore our lives and give us purpose, meaning, value.
I want to encourage you with these thoughts. You are not alone and you are not in a place where there is no hope for you. You are not forgotten. God is working in your life already. It’s your choice whether to reach out and accept His grace, His help, and the new start He is offering you.
I hope you have a blessed day.
Woman of Purity ~