Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered who the stranger was looking back at you?
Or have you ever walked into your house/room and looked around you and wondered who you had become because everything is just so… disorganized?
I am lost.
I am confused.
I have no idea what happened.
One day I was on a roll: loving God, serving God, full of hope for the future, and then I blinked. And now?
Now… I’m… all over the place.
- I’m disorganized (Okay, more like MORE disorganized),
- late to everything,
- more forgetful than I have ever been,
- I am more likely to look at things I shouldn’t on the computer (and get lost for hours at a time on it),
- I have literally almost no relationship with God at the moment (I couldn’t tell you the last time I read my Bible),
- I’m beginning to treat guys with disrespect again,
- I no longer stand for things I used to believe in (politically and spiritually),
- and I have panic/anxiety attacks often. Or at least, that last part I used to. The frequency has died down a bit recently. I’m not sure why, but it has.
I’m not happy with who I see anymore.
I look in the mirror and feel disgust. I feel foreign. I feel like nothing I can do will make me better.
I open my Bible and I’m lost. It’s like a book that I no longer know how to read. I feel awkward and rusty. How do I talk to God again? How do I have a relationship with Him? I know it needs to be two-sided and He has never left me so the distance is on me, but where do I even start to mend it?
I wish I could figure out where and how it all went downhill. I fear it may have been too gradual for me to notice.
I remember a switch happening after I started taking medication for my ADD, but was that truly it? I know there was something that seemed to create a barrier between me and God, but I know God’s greater than that barrier, so that can’t be it.
Was it when I switched jobs? Was it when I became so busy with those jobs and babysitting? Was it when I went to Idaho back in May? No… that wasn’t it. It started before then. A few months before that time actually… Maybe even back in last October. I don’t know…
I go home now and just watch movies or shows on Netflix. I am eating too much food each day. Nothing is satisfying. Nothing is making these feelings of disarray go away. Nothing I do is bringing peace and joy back in my life. I feel fake. I feel gross. I feel like I’ve let so many people down.
I feel like my entire day happens in a fog. A fog that keeps me from really seeing what’s around me. A fog that haunts and lingers over me, suffocating me. A fog that keeps me from thriving where I am planted.
How do I get out of it? How can I be set free?
When can I finally go back to being ME?
When can I be that care-free, dad-joke telling, Jesus-loving, innocent-ish, silly, Salena?
When will my life finally be cleaned up? When will I finally change?
I know I know the answer to all these questions. I do. It’s textbook. But when will it actually happen? When will it FINALLY be enough and I will finally decide I need to change?.. And then follow through with actions. Wishing to change is one thing, actually changing is another.
If you have ever been in my shoes and know what it’s like, I’d love to hear your story. I’d love to hear how you know what it’s like. And for those of you who have overcome it all, I’d love to hear that story too. I am desperate. I need to know it’s possible.
Woman of Purity~