Hello my dear future husband,
This letter is going to be pretty melancholy and I apologize in advance that it is so. I am just feeling so discouraged and need to get some things off my chest. I hope you don’t mind.
My 31st birthday is quickly approaching and you’ve yet to enter into my life.
I didn’t mind my age and the lack of you too much as life seemed like it had only just begun and I had time. Now, I am getting nervous and worried. Time is flying and I am not getting younger. I want children, but as the years quickly pass, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to. I’m hurt, honestly. Not exactly with you, of course, because how can I be angry at someone I’ve yet to meet? I guess I’m mostly hurt with the Lord because I feel like He should be giving me one of the desires of my heart: you.
I often wonder if there’s something wrong with me.
I swear I have a curse: every time I start to get excited about a guy and a possible future with him, he always find someone else better than me. Obviously this is ok since I’m not meant to be with him, but it does weigh on the self-esteem a bit. The rollercoaster of emotions always leaves me exhausted, hurt, and wanting to hide from all men. I just wish this one time I’ll get excited about the right guy (you) who returns those interests… forever.
I’m terrified to claim I desire for marriage. What if I never get to meet you? What if I am to be single my entire life? I know our true fulfillment comes from the Lord, but I do wish I had a tangible person to love. What if God only gives me partial desires of my heart, not all of them. Am I ok with that?
A part of me is, since I know I’m called to women’s ministry and I have a passion for single women or women who have no family. I don’t need you for this type of ministry. But still…
I spoke with one of my friends recently about this fear: the fear of saying I desire for marriage since I am not sure it’s worth it in case God has a different plan for my life. She said it was okay to still hope for it. Blew my mind. I had never quite thought of it like that before.
I don’t know all of God’s plans for my life, but I can hope you’re one of them. Hope turns my frustration and fear into trust. Do I trust that God has the best in store for me? Do I trust that He will never let me down? Do I trust that God is not a cruel God who dangles desires in front of my face only to snatch them away? Do I trust that He is for me, not against me?
Most of the time I do, but it sure gets hard sometimes.
I can’t plan what will happen in my life, but I can turn to the Lord and trust He has the best for me. In the meantime, I will wait for you as I hope you’re a part of my future.
Boy do I hope you are…
Love you in advance,
Woman of Purity~