Letters To My Future Husband

Letter To My Future Husband, Pt. 13

My Dear Future Husband,

It’s been a bit since I last wrote to you. There’s been so much in the last two years, I almost don’t know where to start. Well, other than *ahem*

WHERE ARE YOU??!

Kidding. Sorta. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised I haven’t met you yet. God told me He wasn’t going to bring any guy into my life until my book was done, and He definitely kept to that. (Like literally every guy I met the last two (and a half?) years has either been too young, too old, married/taken, or not someone I was attracted to.) It was almost hysterical every time I was out and about and saw a fairly attractive man… only to find out, NOPE. Not available.

This waiting season… although it’s utterly discouraging and heart wrenching at times, a part of me is glad you’re not clearly in my life yet. It all has been a great opportunity to learn how to find fulfillment only in God, and not in any man. (Great meaning, I’ll be able to look back and see God’s fingerprints everywhere. Right now I don’t quite feel them, but I know they’re there. He’s always there, right?)

I wish I could tell you I’ve figured out this whole finding-fulfillment-only-in-God thing over the last couple of years. But I’m not there yet. In fact, it feels like I have SO far to go until I feel completely confident that my heart is the Lord’s first, and not whatever I desire here in this life. I’m working on it though.

Hopefully by the time I meet you, I’ll have grown so much in this area. Hopefully I’ll have a strong foundation of my identity in Christ – one so solidified that my feelings of worth and value won’t ebb and flow based on how you interact with me.

Which of course, is definitely where I’m at now. My feelings of my value and worth, not just as a person, but as a woman and potential wife/mother, are all over the board and have been for years. People talk highly of me and I’m on cloud nine. I get the right look, text, or hug from a guy and I’ll feel so beautiful. But then I’ll mess up, or he moves on to some other girl, and I start questioning myself.

What am I lacking?
Why wasn’t I good enough?
Did I say something wrong? Do something wrong?
Should I lose more weight? Exercise more?
Talk less? Talk more??
Be better? Do better?

Dress better?

What is so offensive about me that I’m still single? Waiting for you. Waiting for God. Just… waiting.

. . . . . . .

If you can’t tell by my hearts cry in this post, I’ve been going through an emotional rollercoaster of my first true experience of having a broken heart. Of letting go of someone I’ve begun to love with every fiber of my being. This rollercoaster has affected so many areas of my life, but the biggest one has been who I am and what I have to offer.

Granted, I brought this pain on myself. I had plenty of warnings from the Lord and from friends that I needed to let this guy go. Like literally week 1.15 of knowing this man, God told me to let him go. I didn’t because he felt too good to be true. Besides, what if I was hearing God wrong? And then God brought others into my life and I did let this man go for a time being. But then I missed him and what he signified (a man who wanted me that I also wanted), so I reached back out and I’ve been barely clinging on to him since. That door is closing though. Is closed and I need to let him go.

But letting go is scary. Letting go means I’m no longer in control. Letting go means I have to, once again, start over.

Not that I was in control anyway, because this man has already moved on. He’s been moved on for a couple of months now, actually. I can’t make him love or desire me. He decides that on his own and he’s decided I’m not it. I need to be okay with that. I need to let him go.

I have no idea what God has in store for me. A part of me still very much doubts He will ever bring you to me, while another part of me hopes desperately that He does.

What I do know is that I need to learn to let go of the idols I’ve created: you and marriage. In Scripture, God tells us to Seek Him first (Matthew 6:33). This doesn’t mean, side-eying the Lord and His will while we do our own thing. No, we need to set aside everything and seek Him first. Then, and only then, will God bring what He means to bring into your life. Reminds me also of my favorite verse, Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This isn’t the other way around. It’s not desires of heart and once we get them, then we’ll be able to delight ourselves in God.

I was processing my heartbreak with a friend a couple days ago, and I told them kind of the image I got when I think of letting go of this man I’ve come to love. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the image is a bit different, so I’ll share with you the second one I thought of.

Each summer, my church sends the youth to this one camp. Now, this camp is full of tons of things to do, but there’s one particular activity that I absolutely love: Ziplining. If you know me at all, you know how TERRIFIED I am of heights. Ziplining though… I’ll do that in a heartbeat.

This zipline is a bit different in that you have to hike up this huge hill and zipline down into a shallow man-made lake. Once you get to the top and through the line of people waiting to go down, you hand your harness to the person running it and they make sure you’re secure. You then have a choice. You can run down the little runway and launch yourself into the abyss, trusting the rope will hold you up, or you can hold onto the railing, as you slowly make your way down until all you can feel is the rope holding you up, and you can enjoy the rest of the ride down.

I feel like with me, this idol of marriage and this man are the railing. The zipline is my future. The rope, is God’s promises. I’ve been clinging onto this railing as I tentatively make my way down. I’m nervous. I don’t trust the rope or the zipline. Did the person at top really make sure everything would be okay? Am I truly harnessed on? What if I fall? What if… What if… What if…?

It’s time. I need to let go and trust the rope and the zipline have got me… and see what God has in store.

Am I ready? Am I ready to trust God has got my back? That His love will be enough? That I will learn that my worth is only in Him, not whatever may ebb and flow with life?

Well… maybe if we have a slow count to three and then I’ll run and jump?

Kidding. It’s time.

Dear future husband, if you’re there. I’m coming. 🙂

Love,

Your Woman of Purity

Photo by: Photo by Olya Kobruseva:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s