So… I have this thing about me. I’m not sure if it’s an ADD thing or just a me thing (honestly this is probably a shouldn’t-share-this-about-me thing)… but whatever the case, here it is: I have my own imaginary world I let my mind wander to often. Okay, so not as often as I used to as a kid, but when going through the mundane parts of life (i.e. driving), I tend to drift toward perfect-land located deep in my mind.
As per usual, I drifted this way yesterday while driving a bit of a distance to my destination. In this imaginary land, I was in a room filled with others asking me about my dating life, especially asking that dreaded question: “How are you still single?”
Hmm… I don’t know Sherlock.
I’ve thought through this question countless times as I’m faced with it often. In the moment, I never quite have the right response, but in my mind my responses are spitfire! Except for this time. This time I had this solemn thought:
Quite a few years ago, a guy once grabbed me to dance with him during a small shindig. Within two seconds of encountering my two left feet struggling to keep up with him, he huffed his annoyance, “Ugh, I can’t do this!” and instantly released me and walked away to a better dance partner. He had a look on his face that left me feeling embarrassed and small and oh so not worth it. Needless to say I was crushed (and honestly still to this day I won’t dance with guys… but that’s a different story for another day).
It’s like that also with guys in my life… they try dating me, but as soon as they realize I’m not keeping up, they dip out of the picture, giving up on me.
Not long after this mini epiphany danced through my mind, I started to really think about it. It was so true! All the guys in my life (ok, like 2 of them) that I seriously wanted to continue dating gave up on me so quickly. I never got a chance to really develop anything between us, especially on my end. They just stopped talking to me. I’ve felt so hurt and bewildered because of it.
Yes, I have a hard time allowing myself any vulnerability, but I never quite had the opportunity to really try to get over my fear and insecurities (I wish they could see I wanted to). They never lasted long enough.
Of course, then I started to think of all those familiar doubts about myself: doubts about my beauty, my worth, and my past keeping me from my future.
Maybe I’m not pretty enough or smell weird… that’s why they don’t want me.
Maybe I don’t have much to offer them because of who I am: spacey, talk too much, not ambitious enough, haven’t kissed anyone yet… that’s why they don’t want me.
Or maybe I’m too broken, too guarded, too messed up for them.
Maybe that’s why they don’t want me.
Thankfully my self in my imaginary conversation also had this thought: I know of One who will always want me… no matter how long it takes for me to come around, to love Him, to trust Him. God is the only One who truly loves me for me. It’s only in Him that I will feel loved and feel the belonging I so desperately desire.
Of course, as touchy-feely as this thought is… there’s still a piece missing: an actual physical relationship. I honestly really hope God has a man set aside for me… but boy do I struggle with the thought, “Am I worth it?”
Am I truly worth waiting for?
Am I truly worth getting to know? Am I worth being pursued and cherished? Am I worth being loved, faults and all? Am I worth waiting for my walls to come down so I can let others get close, not just emotionally but physically?
How do I know this?
Because I am God’s.
I’m far from perfect, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made. If a guy can’t see worth in me, especially while having to wait for me, that’s his loss and some lucky guy’s gain.
Now… to always believe it.
* Cue cheesy segue *
Next time any of you start to hear those similar negative doubts about your worth… tell them no! Combat those lies with the word of God and His truths.
You. Are. SO. Worth. Waiting. For.
Faults and all…
Don’t let anyone (including yourself!) convince you otherwise.
~ Woman of Purity