Below is a poem and a prose written by yours truly back in 2012. It was for an assignment for a non-fiction writing class I chose to take. I hope it blesses you like it did me when I re-found it earlier today.
Despair fills my soul, my hope suffocates.
Tears spill down my face.
I am unwanted, undesired.
Fear creeps in, there is no way out.
I am stuck.
Mine to want, but not mine to have.
Fire burns inside of me.
Hope screams to be set free.
A gentle whisper,
“It is yours.
You can have it.”
I stare at the mirror, my heart heavy with weighted thoughts on my mind. Haunted eyes stare back at me, full of pain and discouragement. Tears pool against my eyelids as despair begins to overwhelm me. I’m never going to be perfect. So often I try to be the best I can be, but I don’t get anywhere. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I keep messing up. I hate letting others down! The disappointment in their eyes is hard for me to take. I struggle watching their very essence shift as they realize once again they have been let down. I want to rewind time, to make it all better, but it is always too late.
The tears filling my eyes begin to spill over, burning my face as they wind their way down. A lump forms in my throat, making it even harder to breathe and think straight. I fight to swallow it down, struggling to clear my mind. A headache sets in as my face contorts in my attempt to keep myself from crying. It was no use. There is no way I’m ever going to be perfect. I’m so tired of trying. A deep, shaky, heavy sigh escapes my mouth as a heart-wrenching sob begins to form.
I’ve never been good at masking the pain I feel deep inside when I let others down (or just masking any sadness inside of me in general). People always seem to know that something is going on. They glance at me with a look of concern on their faces. Don’t look at me like that. I’ll be fine. I’m just being a wimp. I think in my head. I wish I could push my feelings to the side and not let it affect me, but I can’t. It overwhelms and suffocates the spirit inside of me, eating it alive. Negative thoughts run through my head, feeding the poison inside of me: You’re not worth it. You never will be.
I try SO hard to do things on my own. I don’t like to get in people’s way. I hate feeling like I am an inconvenience. If anyone is busy in any sort of way, asking for help is out of the question. When I’m hurting or feeling alone, I try to drown my insecurities, attempting to cheer myself up. But, before I know it I am instead over my head in guilt and shame for whatever I have done wrong. Instead of going to others for the help, I dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole. Before I know it, I have no way out.
If there is one thing in my life I struggle with the most, it’s accepting grace, especially grace from God. Grace is a foreign concept for me, yet I deeply desire it. There is a longing and a thirst for grace to cover my sins and to make me clean again, but I dare not ask. It is not mine to have. I am too unclean, too impure for it to cover my transgressions. Let me become better first and then I will accept it. I’d deserve it then, right?
It is the most humbling experience to accept grace. I don’t like being at the mercy of my friends and others around me, especially when I make the same mistake more than once. You would think I’d learn and grow from my mistakes, but time and time again I keep doing the same thing wrong. At the same time, as much as I struggle with accepting grace, I love to grant it to others. The look of relief on people’s faces makes it all worth it. It always brings joy to my life knowing I made someone’s day better. But I don’t deserve grace given to me. Let me receive the consequences I deserve!
~ ~ ~ ~
God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.
~ ~ ~ ~
The same goes with beauty. I wish deep down I was beautiful. I look around and see gorgeous young women with guys captivated by their every move. They just have to speak and guys become twitterpated and enraptured by their every word. I wish I could be like these women. To have a guy find me beautiful would be amazing. Instead, I am clumsy, tongue-tied, and awkward. I’m sometimes annoying and forgetful. The confidence guys find most attractive in women is found lacking in me. What worth would they find in me?
I get to enjoy observing other’s relationships while I sit alone. It is unreachable. Who would want me anyway? I mess up, I’m not reliable, I have faults and flaws, and my relationship with God is kind of stagnant right now. I want to grow closer to Christ, but it seems like I get nowhere. The passion and desire to read my Bible and spend time with God has disappeared somewhere. What Godly man would want a girl who isn’t able to help Him grow in his walk with Christ?
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“…So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine… You looked like a queen, and so you were! Your fame soon spread throughout the world because of your beauty. I dressed you in my splendor and perfected your beauty, says the Sovereign LORD.”
~ ~ ~ ~
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” This writer in Proverbs knows what he’s talking about. I ache inside as my body wrenches in sobs. I can no longer stare at my pitiful looks. I run to my room, jump into my bed, curl up into a ball, and cry my eyes out. I let the sobs rock my body as I cry out to God. There is no way God’s grace could ever cover me, no way. I want it though; crave it. Please Jesus, please. I know I’m unworthy and I know I keep messing up. I know You’re probably frustrated with me, especially since I keep making the same mistake again, but please. Please help me be better so your grace can cleanse me. I want to be loved by You. I want to be your prized possession and You to be proud of me. But how can I? I mess up all the time. The ache grows inside me as I continue to sob. I am desperate. I just want to be set free. Please Jesus, set me free.
A gentle whisper flows into my heart, mind, and soul, “My love, My child, it is yours. I have already paid the price. There is nothing that can do that will ever separate you from My love. I know the pain and the hurt you are feeling. I felt it too on the cross. Being separated from God is the worst feeling in the world- no words can fully explain it. But, because of what I did, you never have to experience that. I am here, right by your side. My arms are wide open. Let Me be your Shepherd. I will take care of you. I will never leave you or forsake you. You are My chosen one, My princess, and I want the best for you. I want to honor you and to shower you with My blessings. You are Mine and you are beautiful! True beauty is deep within and when you seek after Me, you will shine like the moon- a reflection of the Son. You will be irresistible. Don’t let your beauty and worth be defined by men and what they think of you. Find your worth and identity in Me! Let Me love you with my everlasting, Agape love. Let Me be your God. Rest, I am here.”
A calm comes over me. Goosebumps cover my arms and legs. I take a deep breath, the lump in my heart and weight in my heart lifts. Grace and beauty are mine? Really? I can have it? The passage Matthew 11:28-30 comes to my mind. “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
I can go to Him for rest when I am burdened and heavy laden. They are not mine to carry. Yes! I may mess up time and time again, but that is okay. I am human. It is also okay for me to seek help from others. Most of the time they are ready and willing to offer grace, just like I am. Scripture also reminds me that God knows we’re only dust. He created me. He loves me in the bad and the good. The burden of perfection is not mine to carry. When I cast all my cares on Him, He will care for me. He gives me the ultimate rest because the burden He gives is light. He is the Restorer and the Rebuilder. He takes brokenness in my life and brings healing and wholeness to it. He is my King, my Savior, and my Shepherd, who walks through the darkest valley with me. I am not alone.
Exhausted from my inner turmoil I fall into a deep, peaceful sleep knowing I am favored and what I seek after is mine. A smile fills my face. Grace. Beauty. I can have them. Finally.
Thank you Jesus.
Woman of Purity~